Run down…
All last week I felt run down.
I’m not sure if I can still call it postpartum depression since it has been 6.5 months since Lily was born but on friday I had a break down.
Friday had been a long day with Lily vomiting and not feeling well. She was finally sleeping, Will was out at a friend’s house for a poker game and I was exhausted. Physically and emotionally!
As I sat on our balcony and looked out at South Beach, for the first time since Lily was born, for the first time since being pregnant, I missed my freedom.
I missed being free to take off whenever I wanted. Free to wear a pretty dress and go out for a drink. Free to wear heels. Free to leave the house without breast shields so I don’t lactate through my clothes. Free to have as many drinks as I choose. Free to come home whenever I want.
I started crying. I missed my freedom and I missed the Claudia that had freedom.
As if I wasn’t feeling bad enough, then I started crying even more because I became filled with guilt for missing my freedom.
How could I possibly be feeling this way since having Lily has been one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to me?
Unlike before, it is not so much of an identity crisis, I think in a way I still haven’t found a perfect balance (is there such a thing?). A balance to balance it all out.
I still don’t have time to paint or to draw, to clean the house as often and as thoroughly as I would like to, to go for a long walk on my own, to go to the beach and just do nothing, to watch movies.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful, I have been truly blessed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving being a mom but I’m also missing things that I used to do that were a huge part of who I was.
I love Lily and all the time we spend with all my heart, to think about missing one second of her day makes me sad. She is growing so fast!
I just have to realize that I also need to make time for myself and for things that I used to enjoy doing. If that means leaving Lily with Will for several hours during the weekend when it’s supposed to be family time, then that’s what will have to be.
I just don’t want to miss out on anything but, I also don’t want to miss out on myself. 😉
And then just when I think that I’m being a horrible mom and wife for wanting some freedom, I find this note on the fridge.
It reads: “Your strength, your resolve is my inspiration. I celebrate your womanhood every day”. It was written of course by my husband Will. He is the best husband a wife could have. 🙂
Hanna
May 27, 2010 @ 5:45 am
Claudia, you have my sympathy. My twins are the same age as Lily, and though I’m over-joyed to have them every day, I’m also overwhelmed by the changes they have brought with them. I didn’t realize how much freedom I had — how much of my life revolved around following whatever whim struck me — until I had Duncan and Tristan to take care of. And the lack of freedom is very hard to adjust to.
I went back to work when the babies were 3 months old, and since then I only do two things — work and take care of the babies. I’m envious of women who are smart enough to stay at home with their babies. Work is not like it was before — I’m too tired and pulled too many ways to do it well. Plus, I’d rather be with the babies. But, at home, I’m often completely exhausted, and mentally deadened by never getting to do anything for myself. I don’t want to take time for myself on the weekends or the evenings, because I’m already missing so much time with the babies! (Besides, there’s no one but my husband to watch them, and he’s as exhausted as I am.) It would be best for everyone if I were more rested and relaxed, but figuring out how to achieve that is a catch-22. 🙂
I think this first year is just *hard*. Wonderful and hard. Any great gift must come at a great price. And we can’t know how wonderful the gift or how hard the price until we’re in the thick of it. But somehow we’ll all muddle through, and come out the other side with happy kids. I hope! 🙂
All of this is a long winded way of saying that I hope you get some rest and some fun, and feel better soon.
Claudia
May 27, 2010 @ 5:50 pm
@Hanna,
Thank you Hanna! Compared to you with twins I should have nothing to complain about.
I think of that often, what if I had twins!!??? I swear my heart stops beating and my face gets in panic mode. The same thing happens when my husband talks about baby #2.
I agree with you, it is a catch-22. We just have to figure it out as we go along and try to find balance in it all.
Best of luck to you and your family and thank you for visiting my blog!
Claudia
Martha
May 27, 2010 @ 3:33 pm
Claudia, I feel you. Other moms can tell a pregnant woman about all the changes but it doesn’t mean much, until you’re in it. I never dreamed I would have to coordinate with my husband’s schedule, in order for me to get my brows waxed! Oh the things I used to do without giving it a second thought. Take care of yourself, and try not to stress about the little things. The best advice I ever got was from a woman my mom’s age who told me not to worry about the housework, just play with my baby!
Claudia
May 27, 2010 @ 5:54 pm
@Martha,
Thank you Martha! I know what you mean about the eyebrows, in this case it’s the whole leg…;)
And trust me, I’ve become very relaxed about the housework. I used to be manic. But, I don’t function well in disorganization. I guess it’s something else I have to work on as well.
Hang in there and thank you for visiting Lil Muse Lily!
Claudia
Lacie
May 27, 2010 @ 8:02 pm
Hello!
I commend you for being confident enough to share feelings that most mothers posess but choose not to admit. It’s beyond refreshing to see such honesty…and it sounds like you’ll be fine! Breast feeding on demand and interrupted sleep def got to me from time to time. I am the mother of two baby girls (fifteen months apart) and to put it mildly, it is rough at times. Know that you’re in good company! You don’t know how fortunate you are to have a support system like Willie. It is more rare than you could possibly image. I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts and am an old friend of Willie’s. You certainly are doting parents and the adoration of ur little one shows. She is absolutely precious!! I wish I was organized enough to have a website like yours…you’ll adore having it to look back on when she’s bigger!
Lacie
May 27, 2010 @ 8:03 pm
possess…whoops! typo!
Claudia
May 28, 2010 @ 12:20 am
@Lacie,
Thank you Lacie, we are trying our best and i think we do alright. 😉
i know that there will be tons of back and forth on those emotions and ups and downs through it all but i’m so thankful to be able to vent about it here and then have support from other wonderful moms such as yourself.
thank you!!
Claudia