All last week I felt run down.
I’m not sure if I can still call it postpartum depression since it has been 6.5 months since Lily was born but on friday I had a break down.
Friday had been a long day with Lily vomiting and not feeling well. She was finally sleeping, Will was out at a friend’s house for a poker game and I was exhausted. Physically and emotionally!
As I sat on our balcony and looked out at South Beach, for the first time since Lily was born, for the first time since being pregnant, I missed my freedom.
I missed being free to take off whenever I wanted. Free to wear a pretty dress and go out for a drink. Free to wear heels. Free to leave the house without breast shields so I don’t lactate through my clothes. Free to have as many drinks as I choose. Free to come home whenever I want.
I started crying. I missed my freedom and I missed the Claudia that had freedom.
As if I wasn’t feeling bad enough, then I started crying even more because I became filled with guiltÂ for missing my freedom.
How could I possibly be feeling this way since having Lily has been one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to me?
Unlike before, it is not so much of an identity crisis, I think in a way I still haven’t found a perfect balance (is there such a thing?). A balance to balance it all out.
I still don’t have time to paint or to draw, to clean the house as often and as thoroughly as I would like to, to go for a long walk on my own, to go to the beach and just do nothing, to watch movies.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful, I have been truly blessed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving being a mom but I’m also missing things that I used to do that were a huge part of who I was.
I love Lily and all the time we spend with all my heart, to think about missing one second of her day makes me sad. She is growing so fast!
I just have to realize that I also need to make time for myself and for things that I used to enjoy doing. If that means leaving Lily with Will for several hours during the weekend when it’s supposed to be family time, then that’s what will have to be.
I just don’t want to miss out on anything but, I also don’t want to miss out on myself. 😉
And then just when I think that I’m being a horrible mom and wife for wanting some freedom, I find this note on the fridge.
It reads: “Your strength, your resolve is my inspiration. I celebrate your womanhood every day”. It was written of course by my husband Will. He is the best husband a wife could have. 🙂