Struggling…
You would think that after 1.5 years I would be well settled into motherhood but, I still struggle.
I struggle with the fact that being a wife and a mother is the only thing that seems to define me these days.
Please don’t get me wrong, they are both wonderful things and I am both but I also used to be more.
I still struggle with the fact that I don’t make an income and I am financially dependent on Will.
I struggle with the fact that I don’t find time to be creative and paint like I used to.
I struggle with the fact at the end of the day I am exhausted and there is nothing left within me.
I struggle!
Because I struggle, I get all emotionally worked up and overwhelmed so, this weekend I took a break from both Will and Lily.
On both saturday and sunday while Will and Lily were out and about, I sat home and thought about why I struggle so much and what I can do to change that.
Trying to find balance in it all is the key and is something that I will have to work harder on.
This is what “they” mean when “they” say that you can’t be selfish in parenting.
Lily comes first and that’s the way it should be.
But, in order for me to be able to give her my all, I have to feel my all.
Lately, I haven’t been feeling my all.
Natasha
June 6, 2011 @ 12:21 pm
I could have written this. I feel the same way and sometimes feel so guilty for admitting it. Today was the first day I woke up and went to boot camp and it felt amazing to work out and have some me time.
Chin up mama. hope your weekend helped
It’s definitely an adjustment when we are so used to doing whatever we want, spending as we wish. It’s not that being home isn’t wonderful but an adjustment.
Xoxo
Katie McFarland
June 6, 2011 @ 2:24 pm
THANK YOU! You are just like the rest of us. What you’re describing is my constant battle. That’s probably why E and I are always out in the stroller. I get to do something for “me” (and yes, he’s along for the ride). I think that taking the time to think about it and generate some ideas on how to address it are almost as theraputic as doing that thing that means so much to you. It’s about taking time for you! Sending big hugs from STL.
Hanna
June 6, 2011 @ 5:00 pm
I’m gradually learning that this is something that all of us have to go through as mothers, and it’s not anyone of us being tired or selfish.
I had a conversation with my grandmother recently about my decision to quit my job at NASA and stay home 6 days/week with my twins. I was telling her all about why I did it — how I saw so many other scientists giving up almost every aspect of family life for their career, how I didn’t want to do that, how I had thought I could strike a balance between trying to stay a scientist and be a mom, but how in the end the babies (and the medical bills) overwhelmed almost everything. I also told her how conflicted I was about my decision to continue trying to work 1 day/week. How it took time away from the babies, drained my energy, made me feel stupid and ashamed for my colleagues to see how ineffective I’ve become at my job, but how it also gave me a little space and kept open the possibility that I might be a scientist for real again someday. I wound up by saying, “I love being at home with them, but I used to be a whole person and now I’m not.”
My grandmother raised 5 kids on her own while my grandfather sailed with the merchant marines and sent money home. She’s the ultimate housewife. I thought she wouldn’t understand a word I was saying, and would think I was horrible. But what she actually said was, “I know exactly what you mean!” She told me she struggled with the same thing for years after she made the decision to quit working for the telephone company, get married, and raise kids. That was a huge revelation for me.
So, like the others said, keep your chin up. We’re all going through this together, just like our mothers and grandmothers did before us. 🙂
Mallory
June 6, 2011 @ 10:42 pm
Aw Claudia, I feel for you. I don’t have kids yet, but I can imagine how tough it has to be to feel a sense of self while at the same time having to give your entire self to your husband and child. I guess like everything, it is a struggle to find that perfect balance of handing yourself over comepltely to the people you love the most, while at the same time, maintaining you. Maybe if you could find the time to start doing your painting during the week, it would help, being able to do something that you love that only involves you. I know that’s easier said then done…but maybe it would help? Maybe a weekly blog post about something you did for just you, that way it would force you to find the time for yourself once a week?
Just know I’m thinking of you!
Yoly
June 7, 2011 @ 12:03 am
Claudia, You are not alone. I think we as mommies all feel that way at one point and sometimes on a daily basis, but we just keep it to ourselves. I’ve been feeling like this lately too and don’t feel like me anymore. Lily is on vacation from school now and I will be making time for me everyday and I know I will find me again 🙂
Hugs
Carey Kirk
June 7, 2011 @ 2:07 am
This makes a lot of sense, and I think it’s awesome that you took some time for yourself to just sit in it. Balance is so hard, but the key is realizing when it’s out of order. *hugs*