Harsh realizations

Two sundays ago Will, Lily and I were in the car getting ready to drive away to go look at this house once more with our friend and realtor Beth when the phone rang.

It was Beth letting us know to not bother because the house was under contract as of the day before.

After Will hung up the phone, a harsh realization hit me like a truck coming at me at 250mph.

We are not financially ready to buy a house.

As much as we want a house, need a house and dream of a house, we are what seems a long way away from a house.

Reality is harsh sometimes (this one in particular) but our reality is this 1 bedroom apartment.

What stresses me the most however is #2, as in another baby.

I will be 39 this december, almost 40, and I don’t necessarily want to have children after 40.

Time is ticking fast for me.

As much as I want to have another baby, I’m hesitant to get pregnant because I don’t think I can have another person in this 1 bedroom apartment.

Sure I could be pregnant here in the meanwhile but, would the fact that we are still here make me a stress case while pregnant? (I’m already a stress case about it sometimes)

I had a very stress free pregnancy with Lily and I would want to give the second baby the same thing right from the beginning.

I often question if love and family will conquer all and if we should just go for it. The romantic in me likes to think so.

Will and I were planning on getting pregnant again by the end of this year, just like we were planning on having a house by the end of this year.

None of which are likely to happen.

They are both harsh realizations, harsh enough to make us both lose sleep at night lately.

august 2009, easier days