my dearest Lily,
sometimes my head goes where it shouldn’t go
and i start thinking about the fact that even though i don’t really feel it, i’m an older mom
i’m almost forty you know
and you are not even three
and then i start thinking that by the time you get out of high school, i will be almost sixty (hold me back, heart attack)
and if you don’t have children until you are in your thirties, i might not even meet your children
and that just makes me want to break down and cry
because i want to meet your children
because i have no doubt that if one day you choose to be a mom, you will be the best mom
and i want to see you as a mom
but maybe i won’t have a chance to
and that just about crushes me like nothing else in the world
and you don’t have a sibling
yet
and i feel like you should have one
cause what if something happens to pai and i in our seventies and you are left all alone in your thirties?
that’s awful young
and then before i let my head get really crazy out there, i have to bring it back
and make it see that we are here
and i am only thirty nine
and you are only two and a half
and i love you like noone i have ever loved before in my life
and i have to just breath and take everything one moment at a time
otherwise i will go crazy and not be able to go on
i love you
let’s take it slow,
your mommy
Kelley
May 1, 2012 @ 4:16 pm
beautiful.
Claudia
May 3, 2012 @ 12:57 pm
@Kelley,
crazy thoughts…
Cindy
May 7, 2012 @ 4:03 pm
Awwww. This is a bit sad. However, you’re so right about enjoy each moment as it comes. Thanks for shaing this post.
Claudia
May 7, 2012 @ 9:51 pm
@Cindy,
sometimes i can’t help but crazy and think like that. hope you and baby are doing well
Cindy
May 8, 2012 @ 12:50 am
I totally get it. My mom is 63 and my dad is 65 and my youngest sister is 26 and doesnt’ have any of her own babies yet, but my folks have a lot of years left in em 😉 so I trust that they’ll meet they’re grandbabies. I have a feeling you have nothing to worry about…but w/that said, I think and wonder and worry about random thoughts all the time. Thanks for asking about my little baby. Had our second appt last week~ a wonderful and happy heartbeat. We find out in 23 days if it’s a boy or a lil girl. 🙂 Be well.
Claudia
May 8, 2012 @ 11:48 am
@Cindy,
how exciting!!! good luck