my dearest Lily,

sometimes my head goes where it shouldn’t go

and i start thinking about the fact that even though i don’t really feel it, i’m an older mom

i’m almost forty you know

and you are not even three

and then i start thinking that by the time you get out of high school, i will be almost sixty (hold me back, heart attack)

and if you don’t have children until you are in your thirties, i might not even meet your children

and that just makes me want to break down and cry

because i want to meet your children

because i have no doubt that if one day you choose to be a mom, you will be the best mom

and i want to see you as a mom

but maybe i won’t have a chance to

and that just about crushes me like nothing else in the world

and you don’t have a sibling

yet

and i feel like you should have one

cause what if something happens to pai and i in our seventies and you are left all alone in your thirties?

that’s awful young

and then before i let my head get really crazy out there, i have to bring it back

and make it see that we are here

and i am only thirty nine

and you are only two and a half

and i love you like noone i have ever loved before in my life

and i have to just breath and take everything one moment at a time

otherwise i will go crazy and not be able to go on

i love you

let’s take it slow,

your mommy