we keep trying

i took another pregnancy test on sunday (because i felt like maybe i could’ve been pregnant but meanwhile i’m most likely just pms’ing. duh)

and just like this one, again it was negative

i want to be pregnant already

this time around it seems to be harder. maybe because i’m older?

if i may be totally honest though, i’m not really looking forward to being pregnant

don’t get me wrong, i loved being pregnant and it’s one of the most amazing, magical and miraculous things in the world but at almost 40 (this december), i’m not really wanting to give up everything i just recently got back

i’m not necessarily looking forward to a whole year of breastfeeding either (although yes, that’s magical and all that also)

i lost a lot of myself when i got pregnant with Lily (and within that first year and a half)

i didn’t realize it until recently when i started feeling like “myself”

i am enjoying my new found freedom again (at almost 40) and the thought of giving it all up for at least two years freaks me out

i would love the finished product in my arms already (like a six month old baby)

but that’s not how things work

all of these small sacrifices are just a small price for what we will get

another person to love and to get to know in our little family

and most importantly, a sibling for Lily (because this is always in my head)

so we keep trying…