the saddest goodbye

as i took a shower yesterday while listening to the Neko Case pandora station, a certain song about goodbyes came on and before i knew it i was sobbing uncontrollably

as the song played and i sobbed, i realized that i’m awful at goodbyes

and then it triggered

all of the sudden i remembered the saddest goodbye

i was ten, my brother was two and my mom would soon be leaving us with family in portugal while she made the journey to the states (where she would join my dad) to come work and find better opportunities

she was supposed to wake me in the morning before she left so we could say goodbye but she never did

that morning when i woke, my mother was already gone and there was a letter by my side

the letter said everything you would imagine a mother would say to her ten year old daughter who she would not see for a while

that she didn’t wake me because she couldn’t bare say goodbye, that i would always be her little princess, for me to be good, to study, to take good care of my little brother, that she would miss us terribly and that we would be reunited soon

that same day my brother left with my aunt who i would soon go live with also but because i had to finish school, i couldn’t go right away

i lost everything in my ten year old world that day

for many nights to follow i slept with that letter and hoped that the day when i would see my mom again would soon come

i was soon reunited with my brother but we weren’t so soon reunited with my mom (or dad)

because of life and all its fortunes and misfortunes, it was almost four years when we were all reunited again

it was the saddest and longest goodbye and a day (and almost four years) that i try hard to forget but every once in a while it creeps up on me

(if my mom is reading this, i would like her to know that this is no reflection on the kind of mother she is. she has always tried to make the best decisions and worked her hardest and for that i love, admire and respect her so. she just gave me goodbye phobia. that’s all)