according to my phone. ramblings of a ten/forty year old

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it is almost six am on a wednesday morning as i write this post from Lily’s bed

last night Will twisted his ankle at soccer and so he is sleeping on the couch with his leg raised by pillows

i was sleeping in our bed when Lily came in just a little after four

i let her come into bed with me and she was awake for a while

i think she could feed off of my anxious energy. she often does

ever since i found out a few weeks ago that my father was expecting a baby with an estranged woman at the age of almost seventy, i haven’t been all there

my days have been filled with anger and anxiety

next to Lily i tried my hardest to relax and to regulate my breathing. that always helps ease her and put her to sleep

which she did, she eventually fell back asleep

being close to her little body and listening to her breathe heavily while she slept brought me back to my ten year old self

as a ten year old (and eleven, twelve and thirteen) i spent many nights sleeping close to my little brother

after my mom left us at my aunt’s to come work with my father in the states, i spent many nights crying next to my sleeping brother

and tonight is one of those nights

i am filled with past emotions due to new happenings

as a mother, i cannot believe how selfish my parents have been (emotionally. not materialistically)

i was ten and my brother was two. living without our parents

i was ten, missing my mom the most because we were best friends and she betrayed me

i was ten having to go to a new school, expected to do well and be happy because i was lucky to be with family and had a good roof over my head but all i wanted to do was cry

because i missed my mom and our life together

all i had was my little brother to hold on to. which i did, tightly every night while he slept

i have been emotionally independent since the age of ten

my mom came to get us almost four years later and things between us were never the same

she tried

but she just wasn’t my best friend. i didn’t let her be

my brother and i came to the states and we were just expected to fit in and do well (again)

which we did. for the most part. we were good kids

even though living with my parents felt like living with strangers

it is now thirty years later, i am still crying and they still feel like strangers

mostly my father

who obviously has a whole different life from us and is a stranger

i hope i am never a stranger to Lily

feeling this way just makes me want to hug her tighter and be a better mom to her every. single. day

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