and then this happened

IMAG0563-1

today is january twenty eight of twenty thirteen and i just found out that i am pregnant

ironically, exactly one month from my fortieth birthday

i should be happy but i am too freaked out and scared to be happy just yet

everything is about to change

i am about to change

and i don’t know how ready i was for this kind of change

i am not even kidding when i tell you that part of the reason i took this pregnancy test, was to have a “not pregnant” test picture for a post titled “decision”

a decision post where i would write about mine and Will’s decision about not having any more children and just staying a family of three

well, surprise!

life can always toss you one to rock the boat, can’t it?

it is now february forth, a week since we found out we are pregnant and this will be a post where i will come and visit and write in often until i can share with you all that we are indeed having a baby (i’m waiting for that three month mark)

which reminds me that one of the hardest things about pregnancy is keeping that secret for those three months

i mean, how long will i be able to avoid friends and dinner/going out invitations so i won’t have to come up with lame excuses why i am not having that glass (or four) of wine?

it’s hard i tell you

and speaking of wine (or the lack of), Lily is in her full on three mode and i will not be able to have a drink

this is not the ideal situation

i really wish i could pour myself a big glass of wine after a day like today with her…

so, like i said, a week has gone by and there are moments of happiness seeping through about this pregnancy

not to sound unhappy about it because that’s not the case at all

obviously although this pregnancy was planned (we have been trying for a while) because it took so long, we were getting used to the idea of just the three of us and coming to terms that that’s the way things would be

so it came as a big surprise

and some surprises are hard to get used to

speaking of hard to get used to surprises, i found out on saturday that my sixty eight year old father will be having a baby with a woman we do not know

yeah, you read right

this year has just started and it is already a crazy and hard to forget year

february fifth, when it comes down to it, i am just scared of change

i may crave it like crazy but when it comes to change, as i’ve gotten older, i’m chicken shit (i don’t even change my hair anymore)

we will be going from three to four, we will be going from one child to two and that scares the shit out of me

i know how to be a mom  to one but i don’t know how to be a mom to two

Lily and i will no longer be just Lily and i during our alone times

bike rides with Lily will have to stop because where will the new baby go?

i will have to start driving…

all this change

it scares the shit out of me

february six, when i was pregnant with Lily i lost all artistic inspiration

i’m sitting here now on my bedroom floor and i have sketched something twice on a canvas and twice i have hated it and erased it

i feel my artistic inspiration gone already

twenty twelve was such a great painting year for me and i was hoping this year would be too but right now i feel like it won’t

pregnancy consumes me leaving no room for art

i’m sad and angry right now

i worked really hard last year, was going somewhere with my art

i was riding a good wave and now i feel like that wave is gone

i want to force myself but i know that will just make it worst

i can’t force inspiration

and i can’t believe it’s this early in the pregnancy and it’s already gone

this saddens me beyond belief…

i feel guilty about feeling this way

when Will and i were trying for another baby, i have to be honest and say that i was not looking forward to the pregnancy part

or the breastfeeding part

it just consumed me

enough to keep me from my art

and now, three years later after Lily was born, now that i have returned to me and my art, i’m not really looking forward to losing that again

and i feel myself losing that already

i don’t want to sound ungrateful or unhappy

i am grateful and happy

i just want the finished product already

i don’t want to lose myself in the process again

maybe i am just super hormonal today

obviously

ps- this will be the longest written post in the history of lilmuselily

february fourteen, happy valentine’s day little love nugget in my belly!

february fifteen, today i called Mary (the midwife that helped bring out Lily into this world and who i love) and i made an appointment with her for the end of the month

we chatted on the phone a bit

and she always has the right thing to say

making a statement about how the baby was in the future and made itself appear knowing that the factory would soon close

it made me feel good hearing it and gave me a different perspective

february twenty six, wow it’s been a while since i have visited this post

i have been meaning to stop by but things have been quite busy

we are getting close to thursday, the day we will visit with Mary (my midwife) which will bring a big moment of truth i think

up until now it’s kind of like “am i pregnant?” except of course when i feel super (SUPER) hormonal

i think the beginning days to this post are a perfect example of that

i feel great

just like when i was pregnant with Lily, i have had no morning sickness at all

i shouldn’t even complain about being pregnant because i actually had a great pregnancy with Lily and hopefully this one will be the same

so many women go through such agony

i am trying to think how pregnant i am

i had my period around my birthday (late december) and then just one month later (to the day), i was pregnant. it is now almost a month since then so…. six-seven weeks?

i cannot wait to be able to share the news with friends and family and of course you too dear readers

but most importantly with our Lily

i feel like such a traitor not telling her because her/our lives are about to change and she doesn’t even know it yet

we are slowly getting her ready though

we have been asking her if she would like a sibling, which would mean that mommy would get a baby in her belly

last night she was all about it!

saying that she wants a baby, is going to be a big sister, and… even pointed to my belly and said that i have a baby in there

wait… does she know!????

february twenty seven, posts like this and this written by Ellen who just had her second scare the shit out of me

february twenty eight, this morning i was supposed to have my appointment with Mary at nine thirty am

i woke at seven, took Foxy for a walk, had my decaf coffee, woke Will up, took a shower, got dressed, made Lily her lunch for school, woke Lily up who of all days slept in, got her dressed, gave her breakfast and we were just about to get in the car and drop Lily off at school when i checked my phone and had a text from Mary saying that she had to go do a fast birth so she would have to reschedule

it’s a little disheartening because i was really looking forward to that truth moment and we made arrangements for Lily to start school today at nine instead of at eleven but, that’s what happens with a midwife

she has to go to a birth when a birth is happening…

i had lousy sleep last night

i have had lousy sleep for a while actually

i get tired every day at around three to four in the afternoon and could totally take a nap except that of course i can’t take a nap because who would watch Lily?

so, i have been getting super sleepy at around nine at night and basically am asleep by ten

waking then at around two in the morning as if i just took a nap

this is not like me

i usually sleep all through the night

except for the past two weeks or so

i am also filled with anxiety and guilt

because i know that i will be very pregnant by the end of the summer (august and september), Will and i have already made arrangements for Lily to go to summer camp at her school for three weeks, every day from nine to two from july till august

we are also most likely putting her in school full time when the new school year starts

it pains me a little because i didn’t want things to change between Lily and i with this baby coming but in a way, i know i will be a better mom to both of them this way

Lily is very demanding these days

i hardly get any time to myself when we are together

every morning she wakes, asks what day it is and what we are doing

even though she is too young to start pre K because of when her birthday falls (november), i think she is personally ready to be in school with kids her age all day, every day

but my mommy heart can’t help but to break a little and feel a bit guilty all at the same time

march eighth, yesterday Will and i dropped Lily off at school an hour early and we had our first appointment with Mary

the moment of truth i was hoping for didn’t happen

the baby was not cooperating so we didn’t get to hear the heartbeat

i started getting a bit nervous but Mary says it happens quite often this early in the pregnancy

according to the first day of my last period, as of yesterday i am ten weeks, three days pregnant

the estimated due date is september twenty nine

although we didn’t get to hear the heartbeat what a moment of truth to know that we should be meeting our little one towards the end of september

next tuesday i have my first of two appointments for the sequential screen with ultrasound

can’t wait for the ultrasound!!

i am almost done with this third trimester and aside from feeling a bit tired in the afternoons and totally tired by nine pm, i feel great

i do need to start taking better care of myself and this baby though

this pregnancy has been filled with anger and anxiety due to the happenings with my father but that is all over now

it is time for me to focus on me, this baby and this family

march eleventh, i’m feeling very sad and scared right now

this morning when i went to the bathroom, there was a blood clot in the toilet

i have been lightly spotting all morning pretty much

and it seems to be getting heavier along with light cramping which wasn’t there before

i have texted Mary who told me to sit still and eat lots of protein and drink lots of fluids instead of taking Lily by bike to her ballet class

i’m here on the couch freaking out

i don’t have a good feeling about this at all and it’s bringing back horrible memories of when i miscarried back in 2008

i’m scared…

march twelve, it’s three am

i got up to come watch tb a little while ago because i couldn’t sleep

as i lay on the couch, i started experiencing cramps

i went to the bathroom and there was a lot of heavy bleeding and clotting

i am pretty sure i just lost the baby

why?

why?

why?

i have my appointment for the ultrasound in less than eight hours and i still plan on going to see what is happening but in my heart i know what just happened and i can’t believe it

i can’t believe it

i am googling heavy bleeding and clotting during first trimester and reading things like THIS actually make me hopeful

i mean, i’m not experiencing cramps right now

so hopefully our baby is still here?

please, please, please let the baby still be here…

i can’t sleep

i just want it to be eleven and be having an ultrasound

and hear good news

twelve pm, today was supposed to have been a happy day

today we were supposed to see and hear our baby’s heartbeat at the ultrasound

instead, due to what happened at three am, there was nothing to see or hear because i lost our baby

today is by far one of the saddest days

i am home now trying to rest

it has been a long night

it was a long day yesterday

it has been eleven long weeks of stress that wasn’t even mine

i am so sad, i feel so empty

i feel like running away and yet like hiding in my room with my curtains closed for weeks all at the same time

this was not the ending i had planned for this post

this is not the way i had hoped it to be…