around here

March 09 2013 003

Lily and Foxy in the morning sun

March 09 2013 005

tomatoes from our garden

March 09 2013 006

a dinner. roasted chicken with carrots, broccoli and mashed potatoes. fresh rosemary from our garden

March 09 2013 008

a breakfast. toast with homemade blueberry jam from wv, store bought raspberry jam and hot chocolate coffee. a new fave

March 09 2013 013

Lily and Foxy in the morning sun again. different day, same pajamas, different spot

March 10 2013 004

this guy sleeping

March 10 2013 006

i can’t believe how big these feet are getting

March 10 2013 010

speaking of feet, in my heels

March 13 2013 001

a breakfast. mango, papaya, yogurt, flax seeds, almonds and honey

March 13 2013 002

very early on this unfortunate day

March 13 2013 009

this past week can just go to hell and never come back

i am feeling much better. physically

my uterus no longer feels like it got run over by a truck and my cramps are just about gone

it’s amazing how fast the body bounces back

even the little bump that was slowly starting to show is gone

all physical signs of pregnancy are gone

but the heart unfortunately doesn’t bounce back as fast as the body

and in my heart, all signs of being pregnant are not gone

for eleven weeks i took care of my body as if soon it would no longer be my own but my baby’s

the moment i found out i was pregnant, i stopped drinking, i started drinking decaf coffee, taking prenatal vitamins and brewer’s yeast, eating even more fruits and vegetables…

for eleven weeks i carried a baby

in my belly and in my heart

and even though that baby is gone from my belly, it is not gone from my heart. or my mind

i am trying to heal

seems like the physical has healed itself

but the emotional is all up to me and i know it takes love and acceptance and right now i don’t have or feel either

i have hatred for my own body for rejecting something that was precious to me

and yet i can’t escape it

because i live in it

and i have hatred for the universe for making something possible and then playing a horrible cruel joke on me and taking it all away

 i know i will be ok. eventually

it has happened once before and eventually i was ok and moved on

this time though, it seems different. it was different

i wish i could just go away for a while

from here. from my head. from my body…

but at least it’s friday, the end of the week

thank goodness

i thank you dear family and friends for all of your sweet comments, messages and texts filled with words of love and encouragement

they all meant so much to me. you all mean so much to me

i also want to thank all of you amazing and strong women who shared your own personal stories with me. you inspire me and give me strength and hope. i thank you from the bottom of my heart and am sorry that you too had to experience such loss and sadness

enjoy the weekend friends