lil muse lily

around here

Claudia 15 March 2013 14 comments

Lily and Foxy in the morning sun

tomatoes from our garden

a dinner. roasted chicken with carrots, broccoli and mashed potatoes. fresh rosemary from our garden

a breakfast. toast with homemade blueberry jam from wv, store bought raspberry jam and hot chocolate coffee. a new fave

Lily and Foxy in the morning sun again. different day, same pajamas, different spot

this guy sleeping

i can’t believe how big these feet are getting

speaking of feet, in my heels

a breakfast. mango, papaya, yogurt, flax seeds, almonds and honey

very early on this unfortunate day

this past week can just go to hell and never come back

i am feeling much better. physically

my uterus no longer feels like it got run over by a truck and my cramps are just about gone

it’s amazing how fast the body bounces back

even the little bump that was slowly starting to show is gone

all physical signs of pregnancy are gone

but the heart unfortunately doesn’t bounce back as fast as the body

and in my heart, all signs of being pregnant are not gone

for eleven weeks i took care of my body as if soon it would no longer be my own but my baby’s

the moment i found out i was pregnant, i stopped drinking, i started drinking decaf coffee, taking prenatal vitamins and brewer’s yeast, eating even more fruits and vegetables…

for eleven weeks i carried a baby

in my belly and in my heart

and even though that baby is gone from my belly, it is not gone from my heart. or my mind

i am trying to heal

seems like the physical has healed itself

but the emotional is all up to me and i know it takes love and acceptance and right now i don’t have or feel either

i have hatred for my own body for rejecting something that was precious to me

and yet i can’t escape it

because i live in it

and i have hatred for the universe for making something possible and then playing a horrible cruel joke on me and taking it all away

i know i will be ok. eventually

it has happened once before and eventually i was ok and moved on

this time though, it seems different. it was different

i wish i could just go away for a while

from here. from my head. from my body…

but at least it’s friday, the end of the week

thank goodness

i thank you dear family and friends for all of your sweet comments, messages and texts filled with words of love and encouragement

they all meant so much to me. you all mean so much to me

i also want to thank all of you amazing and strong women who shared your own personal stories with me. you inspire me and give me strength and hope. i thank you from the bottom of my heart and am sorry that you too had to experience such loss and sadness

enjoy the weekend friends

xoxo

in the past:

Monday outdoors picture

A quiet birthday celebration

according to my phone/spring cleaning/needing change

a what i/we wore post

around here family, home, life, Miami, motherhood, self

14 comments

Lou @ Littlegreenshed
March 15, 2013 at 8:17 pm

Oh I am so sorry for your loss. I am sat here saddened as I read this. Please do look after yourself, and give yourself time to heal. Thank you for stopping by my blog, so I in turn can find yours. Wishing you well. Lou xxx

Reply
- Claudia
  March 15, 2013 at 11:10 pm
  
  @Lou,
  
  thank you Lou. and thank you for visiting. i’m sorry your first visit had to be such a gloomy one. xo
  
  Reply
Cindy
March 15, 2013 at 10:13 pm

So glad things are looking up. Keep taking care of your heart.

Reply
- Claudia
  March 15, 2013 at 11:09 pm
  
  @Cindy,
  
  thank you Cindy. xoxo
  
  Reply
Bron
March 17, 2013 at 1:59 pm

Be kind to your self this week and take rest and time to heal. xx

Reply
- Claudia
  March 17, 2013 at 2:30 pm
  
  @Bron,
  
  thank you Bron. xo
  
  Reply
sarah
March 17, 2013 at 3:13 pm

This is my first visit and so sad to read this post, it must have been very very hard for you to write it. (

Keep resting and take time to heal. xx

Reply
- Claudia
  March 17, 2013 at 10:10 pm
  
  @Sarah,
  
  thank you Sarah and i am sorry your first visit was not the happiest. we are usually pretty happy and fun people around here so hopefully you will visit again. xoxo
  
  Reply
Lisa
March 17, 2013 at 7:02 pm

be kind to yourself.. sending you oodles of cyber hugs xxx

Reply
- Claudia
  March 17, 2013 at 10:08 pm
  
  @Lisa,
  
  thank you Lisa xoxo
  
  Reply
Spencer
March 17, 2013 at 7:16 pm

Claudia,
I still haven’t met you, but unfortunately we seem to be living parallel lives at times. I commented last year on how I was trying to get pregnant too and you sent me a note wishing us both luck. I finally got pregnant in late October. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks too (January). So many well-meaning friends offered advice and “words of wisdom” that were pretty crappy: it was meant to be, at least you have your daughter, just try again… I hope you are spared these comments. You are not alone and I am very sorry.

Reply
- Claudia
  March 17, 2013 at 10:08 pm
  
  @Spencer,
  
  i’m sooooo sorry. i know there is really nothing i can say other than it happens and it is one of the worst things in the world but i truly believe it is what helps make us women. you too keep trying and yes, there is Lily and she is pretty perfect. xo
  
  Reply
jane@flightplatformliving
March 17, 2013 at 11:13 pm

OH NO! I WANT TO CLIMB INTO THE SCREEN TO HUG YOU! I AM SO SORRY, WORDS ARE NOT ENOUGH! having lived through it 3 times myself i know the pain and i am so very very sorry. xxxxx

Reply
- Claudia
  March 18, 2013 at 12:21 am
  
  @Jane,
  
  thank you Jane. i am sorry you too have had to experience such loss and sadness. xoxo
  
  Reply