moving on and what to take from it all
it’s a funny thing having to “move on” after such a trauma like a miscarriage
like my world is just supposed to go on like nothing happened
when something DID happen
and there will forever be reminders of what happened that day
i know that the next time i will go to dress myself in that particular tunic, i will remember sitting on that bed looking at the ultrasound with the highest of hopes still only to hear what my heart already knew
that my uterus was empty
empty is exactly the feeling
not only is my uterus empty but even with a beautiful husband and daughter, my soul feels a bit empty
even in the beginning stages of pregnancy one is never alone because there is a life growing inside
now, when i am alone, i am alone
and it feels empty
but life goes on, doesn’t it?
the world keeps on turning and life does go on
and my biggest reminder of that is a little person
Lily is my biggest reminder that life must go on
that i need to just move on and keep going
it doesn’t mean that i have to forget, because i will never but just like from every good experience, there is something to learn from a bad experience as well
it’s odd to say it this way, but if i am going to take anything good out of this awful experience is that when Will and i try again to have another baby, i will no longer be filled with all the doubts and fears i had before finding out we were pregnant this past time around
what seemed so major, was not major at all
i know now that i can still paint when i am pregnant, that i am ok without having that glass (or four) of wine…
i know now that another pregnancy will not consume me like the one with Lily did and even if it does, it is not forever (although it feels like it at the time) because what will matter the most at the end is a healthy baby
for whatever reason, it didn’t happen this time around
maybe the baby didn’t feel loved (even though it was), maybe there was something wrong so my body disposed of it, maybe there was too much stress and anxiety…
stress and anxiety
something that took over during this pregnancy and made me aware that once again i needed to “clean house”
even if it meant my own father
in the past i have let go of good friends and some not so good friends
people who bring negative energy, drama and lies cannot take part of the life i am trying to create for me and for my family
there is just no room for it
happy monday my friends
i am back!
ps- you get lots of Lily pictures today because she truly is the sweetest and the most wonderful. blessed
mel
March 18, 2013 @ 1:08 pm
aww, I’m impressed that you can share so freely about all that you face – you’re a strong woman – even in this brokenness. Lily is such a beauty – can’t have enough pics of her! ;o) I trust you know that ‘moving on’ or ‘getting over grief’ doesn’t mean forgetting that life… you’ll carry them in your heart always. The depths of pain felt are a testimony of how much LOVE you did feel for them.
xx
mel
needle and nest
Claudia
March 18, 2013 @ 5:03 pm
@Mel,
thank you mama. i always find that writing helps. and Lily was so awesome through the whole thing. she has no idea of what happened, just thought that i was really sick with a stomach bug. which she then weirdly got on friday :/
Kelley
March 18, 2013 @ 1:17 pm
I don’t think you ever need to forget. That was your baby in there. It deserves to be remembered. I’m proud of how you are sharing your story on here. xo
Claudia
March 18, 2013 @ 5:01 pm
@Kelley,
right, one never forgets. thank you. you know, this is a visual diary of our lives and this is what is going on. i always find that writing helps. it has always helped me get through things. i was always a journal/diary keeper. xo
Pink Ronnie
March 19, 2013 @ 12:52 am
I am so, so sorry for your loss Claudia. There is nothing as painful as losing a child… no matter how small or how big. Take all the time to grieve, to weep…. of course you will never forget. I will never forget your little one either.
Ronnie xo
Claudia
March 19, 2013 @ 12:57 am
@Ronnie,
thank you Ronnie. i’m slowly feeling like myself again. xoxo
claire
March 19, 2013 @ 10:22 am
oh claudia….my heart goes out to you…it is a pain unlike any other…and as everyone else has said, this little one will be remembered…thinking of you x
Claudia
March 19, 2013 @ 11:45 am
@Claire,
thank you Claire. xo
Cindy
March 21, 2013 @ 4:45 pm
What a lovely post, Claudia. Life does go on, memories never are forgotten. It’s a great thing to focus on your blessings, like Lily.
Claudia
March 22, 2013 @ 12:49 am
@Cindy,
thank you Cindy. Lily always brings me back. glad to see your man is out of the hospital and you are all home now. xo