March 18, 2013

moving on and what to take from it all

Claudia everyday life life, motherhood, self 10 Comments

it’s a funny thing having to “move on” after such a trauma like a miscarriage

like my world is just supposed to go on like nothing happened

when something DID happen

and there will forever be reminders of what happened that day

i know that the next time i will go to dress myself in that particular tunic, i will remember sitting on that bed looking at the ultrasound with the highest of hopes still only to hear what my heart already knew

that my uterus was empty

empty is exactly the feeling

not only is my uterus empty but even with a beautiful husband and daughter, my soul feels a bit empty

even in the beginning stages of pregnancy one is never alone because there is a life growing inside

now, when i am alone, i am alone

and it feels empty

but life goes on, doesn’t it?

the world keeps on turning and life does go on

and my biggest reminder of that is a little person

Lily is my biggest reminder that life must go on

that i need to just move on and keep going

it doesn’t mean that i have to forget, because i will never but just like from every good experience, there is something to learn from a bad experience as well

it’s odd to say it this way, but if i am going to take anything good out of this awful experience is that when Will and i try again to have another baby, i will no longer be filled with all the doubts and fears i had before finding out we were pregnant this past time around

what seemed so major, was not major at all

i know now that i can still paint when i am pregnant, that i am ok without having that glass (or four) of wine…

i know now that another pregnancy will not consume me like the one with Lily did and even if it does, it is not forever (although it feels like it at the time) because what will matter the most at the end is a healthy baby

for whatever reason, it didn’t happen this time around

maybe the baby didn’t feel loved (even though it was), maybe there was something wrong so my body disposed of it, maybe there was too much stress and anxiety…

stress and anxiety

something that took over during this pregnancy and made me aware that once again i needed to “clean house”

even if it meant my own father

in the past i have let go of good friends and some not so good friends

people who bring negative energy, drama and lies cannot take part of the life i am trying to create for me and for my family

there is just no room for it

happy monday my friends

i am back!

ps- you get lots of Lily pictures today because she truly is the sweetest and the most wonderful. blessed