March 21 2013 010

i started working at the age of 14/15

my first job was babysitting the four week old baby across the street from where we lived. a job i kept for four years, the last year as a live-in nanny

aside from high school and baby sitting i tackled on a second job at the age of 15/16. my first of many retail jobs (benetton if you care)

i didn’t have to work

my parents bought me what i needed and i really didn’t need to work

but i wanted to

because not only did i want more, i wanted to work and earn for what i wanted

i always valued everything more when i worked for it (a trait i get from my mom)

i also wanted my own financial independence so i could do and dress the way i wanted to

which i did

it has now been a little over three years since i have become a full time mother

you would think that after three years i would have settled nicely into my mothering/house hold role but i have not

i struggle daily with the fact that i am not financially contributing to this family

i also always (always, always) feel guilty when i spend money because it is not my own earned money (even though Will never makes me feel this way and always says it is OUR money)

becoming a full time mother was a decision i made and i do not regret it one bit

but just because it was my choice doesn’t mean it is not hard and a struggle because it is

it has been since the beginning

lately i have been feeling very devalued

devalued by all i do around here. take care of Lily, laundry, house keeping…

and i wonder how much of that feeling is not coming from my own self

i think i have been devaluing myself because all i do still doesn’t get me a pay check of my own at the end of the week and i miss my own financial independence

my friend Melissa recently touched base on feeling honour in her role as a “home-maker” and perspective

life is all about perspective isn’t it?

your own perspective on life will either break or make you

i think i need a new/better perspective on things but don’t really know how to go about it

it has been three years and i still struggle with the same issues (i last wrote about it HERE)

so i ask you full time mamas (and i guess some papas too), have you or do you feel the same way?

and if so, how did you change your perspective on things?