It was so beautiful out today that I decided to grab Lily and the stroller and head down to Zara to check out their Spring collection.
Zara is about a good 30 minutes away by foot, fast foot that is. Lily fell asleep half way through which was good because sometimes she can get a little fussy in the stroller. She seems to prefer the Baby Bjorn these days but she’s getting too heavy and the destination was too far today.
After scanning Zara and having grabbed a few items to take in the fitting room, I thought “Where are ALL the Spring colors? Where is the yellow, pink, orange, green?”. Everything in there was so muted which is fine but my mood has been muted, I wanted/needed a pick-me-up.
Once in the fitting room with a now awake Lily, I noticed that she was not only awake but she also had a dirty diaper.
Thankfully, we were in a BIG fitting room that had a big bench where I changed Lily. It stunk up the whole place but there was nobody else back there. lol
Ok, with her diaper changed, I placed her back in the stroller and started to try on some clothing.
Nothing was looking right. The shirts were too tight because my breasts are HUGE and proceed to get bigger every week, the pants…my butt isn’t ready for those yet, the cardigans didn’t do anything. Ugh!
So there I was in the fitting room not feeling so great when Lily started to get fussy. She was hungry. I thought to myself: “Now I’m going to have to breast feed her in here too.”
I handed the unwanted items (all of them with the exception of a dress) to the sales clerk and asked him if he minded that I stay a bit longer because I had to breast feed. He was so nice, he didn’t mind.
I ended up purchasing the dress. It’s an over the head dress so I probably won’t even be able to wear it for a while because I can’t breast feed in it but, oh well.
Conclusion: shopping for me with Lily by myself is not so much fun. Not yet anyway.
It had been a while since I wore lipstick. Had been wearing glosses for a while but since Lily had been born, I hadn’t used anything other than lip balm. I mean, how could I constantly kiss Lily with stuff on my lips?
We ended up at the Benefit counter which had pretty colors but not too many so it wasn’t too overwhelming. I tried a few while Lily was busy looking in the mirror (she smiles at herself).
Yesterday I had to write about postpartum because I was feeling it really bad however, yesterday’s post should have been about how exactly a year ago yesterday, we found out we were pregnant.
Exactly a day after Will proposed to me, I took a pregnancy test and…..PREGNANT! It was one of the happiest moments, specially after a very sad miscarriage on Christmas day, December 25 of 2008.
Here we are exactly 1 year later, married (HOORAY!) and with a healthy baby Lily (tears of happiness).
It hasn’t exactly been a smooth journey but, compared to some others, we have been very fortunate.
I had a wonderful pregnancy. Wasn’t sick once. Worked until 1 week before my due date. Was active the whole 9 months, walking, swimming (one of the perks of living in South Beach), riding my bike Sally.
We had an amazing birthing experience. All natural! It was just Will, me, our wonderful midwife Mary, Mary’s assistant, my mom and Will’s mom.
We entered the birthing center at 10:30pm on November 06 2009 and Lily was born at 2:37am on November 07 2009. I couldn’t have asked for an easier birth.
It is now March, almost 4 months after Lily being born and all pregnancy traces are almost all gone.
The linea negra, just a very faint line below my belly button. The pregnancy weight, just a few more pounds to shed. The gorgeous, healthy and full pregnancy hair is gone and as of yesterday…cut.
Everything, light postpartum aside, is slowly going back to normal.
In honor of everything that happened within the last year, here are some pictures of how things occurred. Starting with a very romantic engagement.
Let me start off by saying that I am not afraid of saying the word postpartum and hate the fact that most people look at it and excuse it in an awful way like P.M.S.
According to the wikipedia the exact definition of postpartum is: Postpartum depression (PPD), also called postnatal depression, is a form of clinical depression which can affect women, and less frequently men, after childbirth. Studies report prevalence rates among women from 5% to 25%, but methodological differences among the studies make the actual prevalence rate unclear. Among men, in particular new fathers, the incidence of postpartum depression has been estimated to be between 1.2% and 25.5%. Postpartum depression occurs in women after they have carried a child, usually in the first few months. Symptoms include sadness, fatigue, insomnia, appetite changes, reduced libido, crying episodes, anxiety, and irritability. Current data suggests that 5 to 9 percent of women will develop postpartum depression, but less than one in five of these women will seek professional help. It is sometimes assumed that postpartum depression is caused by a lack of vitamins , but studies tend to show that more likely causes are the significant changes in a woman’s hormones during pregnancy. On the other hand, hormonal treatment has not helped postpartum depression victims. Many women recover because of a support group or counseling.
That said, it’s perfectly normal to go through what I’m going through. Right? Let’s go through the check off list.
Sadness. It’s light but I’ve had my moments. So, CHECK.
Fatigue. I’m not getting enough sleep because Lily wakes up 3-5 times during the night. CHECK.
Insomnia. Sometimes (like last night) at night after a feeding, I can’t fall back asleep and I just lie there crying because of how tired I am. CHECK.
Appetite changes. I think I eat more now than I did when I was pregnant. I tend to go towards food when I’m depressed. CHECK.
Reduced libido. Yup. No interest in sex whatsoever. CHECK.
Crying episodes. I don’t get enough sleep, I’m tired, I hardly get any time for myself. They’ve happened. CHECK.
Anxiety. Not so much.
Irritability. Again, doesn’t lack of sleep and rest cause irritability? CHECK.
It shouldn’t be so alarming for a mom to say she is going through postpartum. After all, in a way, it seems like the normal thing to go through after giving birth. I mean, how could we not?
Just like everything, there are however different levels of postpartum and different ways people deal with it.
This is the way I’m dealing with mine. To write about it here, recognize it and to just deal with it. It’s not like I hate my life or Lily. I am a very fortunate person and have a wonderful life, husband and baby. And, for the most part, I am a happy person. However, things did change very fast as well as did the hormones.
Sometimes I think that maybe I wasn’t yet ready for motherhood because I feel selfish wanting “me” time. But is it selfish to want to be healthy, well rested and to look good and well taken care of as I did before?
How does that saying go? “A happy mother is a happy baby”?
Then I look at Lily and I can’t imagine my life without her. (tears) I love her. And I love Will. I just don’t love myself the way I used to and that makes me feel like I am not loving them as much as I could. It’s hard to love someone if you don’t love yourself.
Everything has been so rewarding lately so how can I feel so…so…old and tired? I feel so old and tired.
At the end of it all, there are worst days and there are better days and just like everything, this too will pass.
In honor of feeling better and normal or better yet, better than normal, I went to get my hair cut today. So here’s to the positive side of things! 😉
Me with my new haircut and Lily wearing a t-shirt, pants and shoes by babyGap and bodysuit by Old Navy.
This past saturday we took off to Pine Island, FL to go visit dear friends of ours. Pine Island is about a 2-3 hour ride away from Miami.
Before leaving the house, while I gathered all of our things, Will made a comment about how it now took twice as long and as much stuff to go anywhere. “HA! and you want another one” I told him.
It’s true, it does take twice as long and twice as much stuff to go anywhere. But, it will take even longer and much more stuff when/if there will be another.
And I say when/if because right now, as much as I would love to have another, I can’t even think about it and (excuse me) my vagina hurts just hearing about the thought of it.
We packed ourselves and our things in the car and were smoothly cruising when Lily awoke from her nap because she had to do the BIGGEST bowel movement.
She has made it her tradition to do so as soon as we start on any long car trip. The same thing happened in December when we started driving to West Virginia.
As I sat next to her in the back seat, I looked at Will with fear in my face and commented on how it did not sound or smell good. And sure enough, as I peaked underneath her leg, it was EVERYWHERE! All over her clothes and the car seat.
It’s a good thing that by now, I know her and I packed plastic bags (for dirty clothes) and 3 other changes although we were only going for an overnight trip.
In the back seat I changed a very messy Lily and cleaned the car seat and thought to myself….imagine 2? Very brave are the ones who do it.
So, with a clean and happy Lily, we carried on with our driving and made it to Pine Island safely and without any other messes.
We had a wonderful time and I think I will enjoy Lily for now and not worry about the second one until much later. My clock is ticking though…..
Here are some highlights of our trip. In order Lily wears cardigan and leggings by babyGap, dress by Old Navy and hat gift from Natasha. Romper, polka dot shirt and shoes by babyGap, polka dot tights by Zutano.
They are definitely very “green” and earthy. They’re not nearly as soft or cute as the others but they do the job. Unlike the reviews we read, Lily did not get any diaper rash although they seem to not absorb the number 2’s as well.
However, because they are so “green”, I feel like I’m packing Lily up in cardboard and shipping her somewhere every time I change her diaper.
As environmentally friendly as I like to be, I think I will stick with either Huggies or Pampers. And because we are so “green” in so many other aspects of our daily lives, I don’t feel like I will go to “green” hell for it. 😉
Here is Lily in her Seventh Generation diapers. The only thing cute about these diapers is….Lily!
After she took her little morning nap which gave me just enough time to take a shower and get dressed, we headed off to visit my ex co-workers.
Every body was so surprised at how big Lily got in the 2 weeks that they hadn’t seen her.
On the way back home, I thought about work, I thought about my co-workers, I thought about the daily routine I had for 6 years.
Do I miss it? NO!
Despite it being all new and challenging, I am SO fortunate to be able to be with Lily all day, every day.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It is tiring. I am pooped but, it’s moments like when she wakes from her naps, and I go to rescue her from her crib and she gives me the biggest smile of relief that make it all worth while.
What I do miss, is my ex co-workers and adult conversation. But that’s what visits are for. 😉
Will arrives today. We are anxiously waiting for him.
Here are Lily and I having a morning moment. Lily wears pajamas by Old Navy.
It wasn’t has gloomy or rainy like on monday so we got to be outside a lot more and even hang out at the beach at the end of the day.
Her tummy is acting up a little though. It started last week. She had 3 days (not repeated) when she didn’t have any bowel movements. She usually has anywhere from 5-7 a day. Yesterday she only had 1 and the day before 2.
It could be that she is in a different stage, or it could be that she is starting to teeth…
She is still not taking the bottle and still wakes up 3-4 times during the night. I wish she would have longer sleeping patterns.
She is however having interest in food. She pays very close attention to everything I put in my mouth. So far I have let her lick the inside of apples (she loved it) and yesterday I gave her some sweet potato.
She liked the taste of the sweet potato, she just is not sure of what to do with her tongue so a lot of it comes back out. Looks like she is not quite ready for food yet which is upsetting to Will who is dying to cook for her.
Speaking of Will, we miss him. (sigh)
Here we are at the beach yesterday. Lily wears a hoodie and pants by Tea and a dress by Old Navy.