Yesterday I had a total identity crisis meltdown.Â Or at least I think that’s what it was.
Becoming a stay at home mom is a bit harder than I thought. Not because of the house work or having to spend my whole day with Lily (because I wouldn’t want it any other way) but, because my daily routine is no longer what it used to be. It is no longer just about me. HELLO! Wake up call.
Also, not going back to work and becoming financially dependent on Will freaks me out! Of course Will and I discussed all of this before and while I was pregnant but, it is easier said than done. Although I always budgeted and never spent more than I could afford, I always still shopped and bought myself whatever I pretty much wanted.
This is something that for a while will not happen.
And what I want to buy and wear, I can’t anyway. Breast feeding is wonderful and the best thing for babies however, it limits a wardrobe. I always have to have something that has easy breast access.
I used to take time and pride in the way I looked, even while pregnant but, now my daily uniform is a pair of jeans, a tank top (so there is no stomach showing when I breast feed) and some sort of top over that so the breast is not fully exposed while feeding.
So long are the shift dresses, pretty blouses. So long is the Claudia that used to take pride in the way she looked. Now, I take pride in the way Lily looks. It’s easier.
This makes me feel at times like my identity has been lost. Am I Claudia who is Lily’s mom or am I Lily’s mom who used to be Claudia?
All this plus a huge shift in hormones has amounted to some crying spells and like I said, to some identity crisis melt downs.
I just have to remember that she won’t be a little baby forever (i need to cherish every moment), to take it a day at a time and things will eventually get easier.
When I was still pregnant with Lily, Will and I discussed and did research on many different options for diapers for Lily once she was born.
Cloth diapers maybe? Both Will and I were raised on cloth diapers and although times have changed, many new moms have started using them again. For us however, because we don’t have our own washer and drier in the apartment, it didn’t seem like the right choice.
Environment friendly diapers like Seventh Generation? Maybe. But, then I read the worst reviews about them. Sure everyone liked the fact that they were “green” but complained about fit, leaks and diaper rash. I didn’t want that for my Lily.
We chose the Pampers Swaddlers which we really liked up until lately. When Lily was smaller, there were few leaks or spills however, it seems that every time she goes #2 now, if we are not right there to change her diaper, it either spills from the back or from the legs. It is horrible!
So, we are back to the beginning. Which diapers now?
Shall we try Huggies? I wish Diapers.com would have a value pack of different diaper brands in the same pack so you could try and see which one works for you.
Well, after much research again, we have both decided to try the gDiapers. They are a bit more expensive but I like the fact that they have a gPant that covers the either cloth refills or theÂ flushable diaper refills which happen to not only be flushable but you can also garden compost the wet ones. So they are “green”!
When I was pregnant with Lily, before I would fall asleep, I would hold and rub my belly and in Portuguese I would say to her: Boa noite Lily. Faz O-O. Dorme bem. (Good night Lily. Go night night. Sleep well).
I did this EVERY night before I would fall asleep.
Then, Lily was born and for the first couple of nights, with the excitement and exhaustion of her being here, I would just fall asleep. Until, the third or fourth night when I went to hold and rub my belly and realized there was nothing there. Tears starting building and I just cried. She was gone…
I looked over and there she was was in her bassinet next to me. She was here!
It was a brief bitter sweet moment. She was no longer inside me where she was all mine 🙁 but she was here for the world to see. 🙂