we keep trying

i took another pregnancy test on sunday (because i felt like maybe i could’ve been pregnant but meanwhile i’m most likely just pms’ing. duh)

and just like this one, again it was negative

i want to be pregnant already

this time around it seems to be harder. maybe because i’m older?

if i may be totally honest though, i’m not really looking forward to being pregnant

don’t get me wrong, i loved being pregnant and it’s one of the most amazing, magical and miraculous things in the world but at almost 40 (this december), i’m not really wanting to give up everything i just recently got back

i’m not necessarily looking forward to a whole year of breastfeeding either (although yes, that’s magical and all that also)

i lost a lot of myself when i got pregnant with Lily (and within that first year and a half)

i didn’t realize it until recently when i started feeling like “myself”

i am enjoying my new found freedom again (at almost 40) and the thought of giving it all up for at least two years freaks me out

i would love the finished product in my arms already (like a six month old baby)

but that’s not how things work

all of these small sacrifices are just a small price for what we will get

another person to love and to get to know in our little family

and most importantly, a sibling for Lily (because this is always in my head)

so we keep trying…

Through coral

When I took Lily to the beach the other afternoon and took her picture looking through a coral branch, I quickly flashed back to when she was a baby and I took the same picture.

I used to take her to the beach on the Baby Bjorn.

Now she rides in the Ibert on the bike with me.

How fast time flies…

Lily, 5 months old. april 08 2010

Lily, 25 months old. december 07 2011

Hulk baby

That is the name my brother gave Lily yesterday when I told him through IM that when I checked on her playing in her room, she had taken a green marker and colored herself.

It’s not that often that I get to talk to my brother.

With 5 hours difference between us (he’s in Portugal), with his work schedule, I’m lucky if I get him once every two weeks.

He and his girlfriend are expecting their first baby boy in october and I am so excited because Lily and I will be there for the birth. (we will be visiting from oct.4th-nov.3rd)

On another note, I was sick the past two days.

I got a nasty stomach bug on sunday and I am just so lucky that it was sunday and Will was home to watch Lily.

Perrier, Ginger Ale and sleep were my best friends.

I’m much better today (just feeling a bit weak still) and I’m so thankful because being sick when you have little ones is no fun!

look at that face! lol. so thankful for washable markers

Harsh realizations

Two sundays ago Will, Lily and I were in the car getting ready to drive away to go look at this house once more with our friend and realtor Beth when the phone rang.

It was Beth letting us know to not bother because the house was under contract as of the day before.

After Will hung up the phone, a harsh realization hit me like a truck coming at me at 250mph.

We are not financially ready to buy a house.

As much as we want a house, need a house and dream of a house, we are what seems a long way away from a house.

Reality is harsh sometimes (this one in particular) but our reality is this 1 bedroom apartment.

What stresses me the most however is #2, as in another baby.

I will be 39 this december, almost 40, and I don’t necessarily want to have children after 40.

Time is ticking fast for me.

As much as I want to have another baby, I’m hesitant to get pregnant because I don’t think I can have another person in this 1 bedroom apartment.

Sure I could be pregnant here in the meanwhile but, would the fact that we are still here make me a stress case while pregnant? (I’m already a stress case about it sometimes)

I had a very stress free pregnancy with Lily and I would want to give the second baby the same thing right from the beginning.

I often question if love and family will conquer all and if we should just go for it. The romantic in me likes to think so.

Will and I were planning on getting pregnant again by the end of this year, just like we were planning on having a house by the end of this year.

None of which are likely to happen.

They are both harsh realizations, harsh enough to make us both lose sleep at night lately.

august 2009, easier days

A new baby

Don’t get all excited with this title.

I’m simply talking about the beautiful new orchid that Lily and Will got me on sunday.

I consider my plants my babies too. (one of which I have had since 1998)

I love this new one’s color and the size of it’s small flowers.

It’s supposed to bloom 3 times a year.

I’m excited. 🙂




Is anyone else’s toddler fighting their nap?

I don’t understand, Lily has been waking up earlier in the morning (still going to bed at 8pm like always) and not wanting to sleep the 1 hour she usually does during the day.

Is this it?

She’s only 15 months but is this the end to THE nap?

She was never much of a sleeper but, I miss my sleeping baby…

may 2010

The miracle of life

While Lily took a long nap yesterday, I thought about how miraculous life is.

I mean, it REALLY is!!

I think we are often so caught up in every day life that we forget to think about and appreciate things.

Months before I got pregnant with Lily, I had a miscarriage.

Then, on March 02 2009, a day after Will proposed to me, I found out I was pregnant! 🙂

To go from nothing, to a little fetus, to a bigger fetus, to a baby…

Life… it is such a miracle!

March 02 2009