life

my dearest Lily,

sometimes my head goes where it shouldn’t go

and i start thinking about the fact that even though i don’t really feel it, i’m an older mom

i’m almost forty you know

and you are not even three

and then i start thinking that by the time you get out of high school, i will be almost sixty (hold me back, heart attack)

and if you don’t have children until you are in your thirties, i might not even meet your children

and that just makes me want to break down and cry

because i want to meet your children

because i have no doubt that if one day you choose to be a mom, you will be the best mom

and i want to see you as a mom

but maybe i won’t have a chance to

and that just about crushes me like nothing else in the world

and you don’t have a sibling

yet

and i feel like you should have one

cause what if something happens to pai and i in our seventies and you are left all alone in your thirties?

that’s awful young

and then before i let my head get really crazy out there, i have to bring it back

and make it see that we are here

and i am only thirty nine

and you are only two and a half

and i love you like noone i have ever loved before in my life

and i have to just breath and take everything one moment at a time

otherwise i will go crazy and not be able to go on

i love you

let’s take it slow,

your mommy

yesterday

yesterday was spent watching movies, reading books, taking naps (two) and just tending to a sick Lily

although her appetite was not all there (she had a fever and was all stuffy), she did eat

i made some power food for lunch which consisted of brown rice, sauteed squash, tomato sauce and parmesan cheese

when it came to bed time we blew up the queen size air mattress we have in her room and that’s where i slept with her

whenever she is sick or has a nightmare and wants to sleep with us in our bed, i never get a good night sleep with all three of us in the same bed

this morning she has woken up her super chipper chatter self asking for a bowl of cheerios first thing but i plan on having another relaxed day so she can fully re-coop

thank you all for the well wishes!