today is january twenty eight of twenty thirteen and i just found out that i am pregnant
and just like this one, again it was negative
i want to be pregnant already
this time around it seems to be harder. maybe because i’m older?
if i may be totally honest though, i’m not really looking forward to being pregnant
don’t get me wrong, i loved being pregnant and it’s one of the most amazing, magical and miraculous things in the world but at almost 40 (this december), i’m not really wanting to give up everything i just recently got back
i’m not necessarily looking forward to a whole year of breastfeeding either (although yes, that’s magical and all that also)
i lost a lot of myself when i got pregnant with Lily (and within that first year and a half)
i didn’t realize it until recently when i started feeling like “myself”
i am enjoying my new found freedom again (at almost 40) and the thought of giving it all up for at least two years freaks me out
i would love the finished product in my arms already (like a six month old baby)
but that’s not how things work
all of these small sacrifices are just a small price for what we will get
another person to love and to get to know in our little family
and most importantly, a sibling for Lily (because this is always in my head)
so we keep trying…
i wasn’t sure if i could ever (ever) love another like i love Lily
i wasn’t sure if i wanted to lose myself again after i just got myself back
i wasn’t sure if i could be a good mother to two since sometimes i feel like i’m not even being a good mother to one
then for the past two weeks my body was acting all funny
signs of pms but times 100
i thought, maybe?
could i be?
and the feeling of excitement over the possibility of being pregnant returned
the picture you see above is from this morning
i’m not pregnant
but when i went to bed last night and when i woke up this morning i wanted to be
and that just shows me that i can love another like i love Lily
and it shows me that i am ready and have changed my mind
and that makes me happy
(coincidentally, today, three years ago was when we found out we were pregnant with Lily)
Two sundays ago Will, Lily and I were in the car getting ready to drive away to go look at this house once more with our friend and realtor Beth when the phone rang.
It was Beth letting us know to not bother because the house was under contract as of the day before.
After Will hung up the phone, a harsh realization hit me like a truck coming at me at 250mph.
We are not financially ready to buy a house.
As much as we want a house, need a house and dream of a house, we are what seems a long way away from a house.
Reality is harsh sometimes (this one in particular) but our reality is this 1 bedroom apartment.
What stresses me the most however is #2, as in another baby.
I will be 39 this december, almost 40, and I don’t necessarily want to have children after 40.
Time is ticking fast for me.
As much as I want to have another baby, I’m hesitant to get pregnant because I don’t think I can have another person in this 1 bedroom apartment.
Sure I could be pregnant here in the meanwhile but, would the fact that we are still here make me a stress case while pregnant? (I’m already a stress case about it sometimes)
I had a very stress free pregnancy with Lily and I would want to give the second baby the same thing right from the beginning.
I often question if love and family will conquer all and if we should just go for it. The romantic in me likes to think so.
Will and I were planning on getting pregnant again by the end of this year, just like we were planning on having a house by the end of this year.
None of which are likely to happen.
They are both harsh realizations, harsh enough to make us both lose sleep at night lately.
I have a confession to make, I have been slackin’ off.
When it comes to mySELF, I have been completely slackin’ off.
I have become lazy in this motherhood role but, when it comes to me.
Before I got pregnant and even during pregnancy, I was in great shape!
I walked a lot, I rode my bike, I swam, I ran up and down flights of steps in our apartment building, I stretched on the balance ball….
Ever since Lily was born, I have done nothing.
Yes, we ride bikes and yes we go to the beach and I am active but I can by no means call it exercise.
To top it off, I now eat ice cream like I never did before. (not even during my pregnancy)
It all started when Lily was born and I felt like treating myself to something at the end of the day.
Treating myself used to mean a shopping trip or a few drinks but because I was breast feeding and our budget was now different, ice cream was the best option. (damn you Ben&Jerry!)
I also used to drink tons of water. ALL day long.
Now, I’m lucky if I drink 1 glass the whole day.
I not only forget to drink water but I also try to not go to the bathroom as much as possible because a certain little one always follows me in there.
Bad habits have developed since Lily was born.
Can I blame Lily? (sure, why not? 😉 )
No, I am to blame.
I have been slackin’ off and things need to change because not only do I not feel great about myself but I am also turning 39 in December and things only get harder as you get older.
It’s not even a matter of weight because surprisingly it’s remained the same (maybe up and down 2lbs) but, it’s a matter of feeling jiggly-wiggly, stiff and not flexible (I used to be so flexible) and feeling tired all the time.
So, I have started running up and down steps (from the ground floor to the 7th, 4 times up, 4 times down), stretching on the ball, and drinking lots of water again.
We will see how this goes (it needs to keep going) since I really don’t like to exercise.
Has any of this happened to you new moms also?
And if so, how do you find the time and energy to exercise?
I love gardenias.
I love the way they smell.
I love the way they look in a bowl.
But I really love them because they remind me of March 01 2009, the day Will proposed to me. (coincidentally we found out the following day that we were pregnant 😉 )
It’s gardenia season and lucky us, we have a small gardenia tree in the courtyard where we live.
NO, this is not a pregnancy announcement!!
Lately I have friends say to me: “Lily’s getting big! It’s time for the second one, no?”
And when I posted on Facebook that I was sick, “BABY?” was the most asked question as well.
Well, Will and I are not planning on having another baby until we are really settled elsewhere.
We are trying to move from Miami to Raleigh into a house where we can ALL have more room and also easily accommodate friends and family when they visit.
Biologically ticking, I mean speaking… NOW would be ideal but NOW isn’t going to happen.
So, until then I am enjoying #1, LILY!
Have a great weekend everyone!
P.S.- Thank you for all the get well wishes. I’m feeling a lot better. 🙂
Yesterday you took a 3 hour nap next to me on our bed.
While you slept, I couldn’t help but to stare at you still in disbelief that you are here and that you are ours.
In the same room that we sleep in now and in the same bed, I took many naps with you in my belly.
I would day dream of whatÂ you would be like.
Well, all the day dreaming in the world, would never come close to how wonderful you REALLY are.
I love your hair.
I love your eyelashes.
I love your cheeks.
I love your nose.
I love your mouth.
I love your hands.
I love your fingers.
I love your feet.
I love your toes.
I love ALL of you.
You are the best thing in the world!
While Lily took a long nap yesterday, I thought about how miraculous life is.
I mean, it REALLY is!!
I think we are often so caught up in every day life that we forget to think about and appreciate things.
Months before I got pregnant with Lily, I had a miscarriage.
Then, on March 02 2009, a day after Will proposed to me, I found out I was pregnant! 🙂
To go from nothing, to a little fetus, to a bigger fetus, to a baby…
Life… it is such a miracle!
March 02 2009
I’m not in the best of moods today.
I’m irritable, annoyed.
And you know what doesn’t help?
The fact that there is still a lot of noise going on in this building we live in.
For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, the condo building we live in has been going through renovations for 2 years now.
Yes, you heard right. 2 years!!!!!!
I spent many pregnant afternoons trying to get quiet naps while there was drilling going on.
When Lily was a newborn and a baby, her naps were often interrupted due to drilling, hammering. There was constant pounding going on.
Well, she is now a little over 1 year and there is still pounding going on.
And…I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If anyone is thinking of buying a condo, my best advice to you is, DON’T!
YOU ARE KEEPING ME UP AND MY MAMA IS NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT!