I’m sorry today’s post isn’t going to be very positive.
I’m tired. I’m soooooooooo tired.
Of everything. Including feeling bad about being tired.
And feeling like I have to put on a smile when I don’t really want to but, feel like I have to.
I feel bad and guilty for feeling this way because so many other people have it so much worst than me but I feel like something is missing within me.
I miss “me” time.
I miss “alone” time.
Time to be quiet and think. Or not.
I feel suffocated and claustrophobic.
I have always been the kind of person who has treasured “alone” time. I have NO problem spending time by myself. (even when I was little) Those moments are gone. And I miss them. And I feel like I need them. Because I feel like I’m losing my mind.
That makes me feel awful and guilty.
It makes me feel like a bad wife and a bad mother.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I’m so fortunate and happy (most of the time) to have Lily and Will in my life.
I just really miss “me” time.
“Me” time to be creative. “Me” time to rest. “Me” time to recharge myself so then I can fully give. (to Will and Lily most importantly)
Lately I feel like I’m just here. I’m just going through the motions.
When entering the library yesterday morning, I was pleasantly surprised to see Cari with her niece Amanda.
I had met Cari with Amanda at the playground the previous week and had told her about library mondays.
We all had a wonderful time singing and listening to story time as usual and before leaving Cari asked for my number.
Cari: “Claudia, can I get your number? You seem to be the mom in the know”.
A quick flashback went through me.
Not too long (but yet what seems to be lifetime ago) when I worked retail, I was the one my co-workers would refer customers and hotel guests to.
Back then, I was in the know of the hottest clubs, restaurants, lounges, anything that had to do with going out on this beach on any day of the week.
How my life has changed, I quickly thought to myself.
Me: “When did that happen?”
Now I’m in the know of library mondays, afternoon pool tuesdays at Sebastian’s, meet-up beach thursdays, music classes, free museum days, diapers, cereal, strollers, bottles, blankets….anything that has to do with babies.
A big smile came across my face….thank you Lily! 🙂
Lily and I on the way to the library. Lily wears a hat by Patagonia and dress by babyGap